Honesty and Humility
Fulfilling prophecies and updates on the shop.
Opening
It happened as I expected.
My fears and insecurities turned into procrastination and hyper-fixations, while my excitement and enthusiasm led me to underestimate timelines and overcommit myself.
In these situations my internal dialogue would normally be riddled with guilt and shame. Instead, I'm consciously choosing to meet this outcome with grace and humility.
Oh, how healing this feeling is to me.
Shop Update
I was determined to launch the Highly Human shop on 4/11, but there are many backend and vendor logistics to figure out, along with testing to complete.
Instead of having a hard launch date, I’ll provide updates via Substack on when it’s ready to go live.
Reflections
Learning how to run an online shop is teaching me much technical skills while also providing opportunities to reflect on how I’ve been internally operating. These reflections are helping me be more kind and gentle with myself when I don’t meet my arbitrary goals, which are often set due to external pressures (surviving under capitalism) and internal pressures (healing intergenerational wounds).
I’m feeling this tension within me because it’s been over a year and half since I was released from my full-time job. Since then, I’ve moved across the cunt-tree and have been figuring out how to create a sustainable and generative living. I’ve been trusting my intuition even when it doesn’t feel logical and practicing my communication skills even when I don’t feel like talking. All of this has guided me to this chapter of life where I get to practice what it means to be “in community” with other humans.
I’m for real when I say that I would not be here in this earthly dimension if it were not for the genuine beings in my life who have shared knowledge, wisdom, food, resources, love, and care with me.
Breakthroughs
This time last year, I was met with opportunities to do things differently. Usually, I would isolate myself whenever I felt insecure about how others would perceive my appearance—whether I knew them or not.
I’ve had bouts of acne throughout my life and would often allow it to hinder how I showed up in the world. Growing up, I put my body through so much pain just to uphold false narratives of having "good skin," which stemmed from my childhood and the "skin whitening" obsession in Asian cultures. Anytime my skin had blemishes or I felt insecure about how I looked, I would cancel commitments and ignore obligations.
Over the years, shame around my appearance evolved, and I learned that a lot of it was created by the delusions of whiteness as being supreme.
It has taken quite some time for me to untangle from these coerced insecurities. I’m proud that this version of myself has the ability to break through my default reactions. Instead of retreating and hiding away, I am able to communicate how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. Each honest expression releases shame around how I perceive myself and the perceptions I project outwardly onto others.
For example, instead of canceling a commitment I made weeks ago, I showed up and attended the gathering yesterday. Although I wondered how I was being perceived by people I was meeting for the first time, given the state of my skin, I didn’t abandon myself. I didn’t allow my self-conscious thoughts to take the driver's seat. In fact, I even expressed the state of my mind to my dear friend Yadi on the way to the event.
I’m happy I went because I had such a heartwarming and joyful time. Had I given in to my insecurities, I would have missed out on connecting with wonderful people, enjoying the homemade abundance everyone brought to the table, and participating in an indigo dye bath experiment. I love how the universe works because I’ve been wanting to learn how to tie-dye for a while.
Shoutout to Kai, Isaac, Rachel, and Eli for hosting and organizing such an intentional and inviting space.
Also, because of this gathering I decided to make and roll lumpia. It was the first time I did this by myself and for many reasons it felt like I was fulfilling a prophecy from decades ago when my mom was starting her restaurant that ultimately led to a big fracture in the family. So much happened in between and it’s a story that I’m finally being able to release.
Closing
Although my fears and insecurities are still present, I’m grateful to witness my growth alongside them. In the past, I would torment myself with the "shame and blame game," which led me down spirals of unworthiness.
Now, I’m learning to love myself through it all. I’m laying to rest old stories and narratives that have held me back from pursuing these visions.
This time, I’m following through with my commitments while being flexible and communicating when I need to pivot and change course.
Till next time,
Willa
🌺🧧🌺