Patience Presence and Possibility

May we be held and guided thru the unknowns and uncertainties.

Opening

Since 2019, my mind has been in a constant cycle of questioning, reflecting, and practicing. My body has been breaking thru rigid binaries that have kept me asleep to the vastness of where my magic comes from. And my spirit has been gently meeting me at each inflection point with as much curiosity and presence I’m able to receive.

As I mature deeper into my body, as I show up for my responsibilities, as I follow through with my commitments, and as I keep on keeping on in this zeitgeist of late-stage capitalism, I’ve been wondering:

Personally, will I get to experience the chapter where my gender journey actualizes my transition?

and

Collectively, will we get to experience a different and more liberating reality in our lifetime?

The other day I saw a thread by Whitney Alese that reflected so clearly what life has felt like since the pandemic began.

Reality has felt like a living documentary where we’re watching each other weave a collective tapestry of flashing and fleeting memories. Acting out scenes of our deepest hopes and wildest dreams. Sharing intimate moments of us awakening from the bullshit we’ve internalized from colonizers and their pyramid schemes. Candidly capturing the ways we hurt and the ways we heal. Archiving how our righteous rage can transform into courage, how our joys and our grievances are woven together, and how the glitches of the status quo allow us to deviate from societal norms so we can truly transform.

We’ve been documenting our lives on film and on the phone, sharing them in person and online, or perhaps keeping them tucked away in our journals and in the liminal corners of our minds.

The more we remember, the more our truths emerge.

The more our truths emerge, the more we allow ourselves to feel.

The more we understand and connect with the truths of who we are, the more we create spaces for us to exist beyond the veils of illusion that religions and the delusions of white supremacy have tried to WandaVision us in for many centuries.

I share this context because it connects with what I want to document today. Which is a brief story of my truth and where I’m currently at with it.

In 2021 my mind and body came to the realization that transitioning is a part of my human experience. Although my spirit always affirmed this, it took a while for the other parts of myself to understand that a pathway for me to actualize the physical manifestation of who I am is through gender affirming care.

Since then, my approach was not to rush it. I intentionally took my time to learn more about what my gender journey means for me. I sought out community and ended up landing a role at a tele-health company that provided gender affirming care. How that role came to be was truly serendipitous in itself but that’ll be a story for another day.

At the company, I found myself having opportunities to share space with co-workers and talk about transitions and other forms of care. These spaces began to build our friendships on and offline. And the more I continued to flow truthfully, it felt like life was guiding me on pathways that affirmed transitioning was possible and within reach.

Then came the layoffs.

Then came the instability.

Then came the uncertainty.

Then came the unveiling of genocides and complicity.

And now we find ourselves in yet another cycle of life in Amerikkka where anything that challenges the binary rigidity and white mediocrity is met with punitive threats, violence, and punishment. It’s clear as day that the agenda of those in positions of manipulated power is to re-establish the confederacy. An insidious ideology that never went away because it has always been embedded in the DNA and fabric of the horrors this cuntry is built on.

Hope Always

I still have dreams, hopes and wishes where I get to transition and have bottom surgery in this lifetime.

I still have visions of being married to a partner where we both honor the fullness of who we are.

I still desire these expansive experiences of being human and can only imagine how liberating it would feel to live in a body that reflects more of my truth.

And I also want to keep it real with myself.

When I think of what is needed in the times we are in, I think of the need to understand what we are willing to risk.

Whether we choose to let the times activate us or choose not to engage, both are still risks.

When I think of what collective liberation can feel, be and look like they all involve risks.

There is uncertainty. There is instability. There is even more tragedy and heartache.

And from the depths of rubble and ash a fundamentally different reality can emerge.

It’s the tale of destruction and creation. How both co-exists and are needed for transformation to fully actualize.

Closing

What I’ve been working on with my therapist and my inner dialogue is asking myself: Will I be okay if transitioning doesn’t happen for me in my lifetime?

I don’t have a clear answer to this as I don’t want to incidentally cast a spell on whether or not this happens. I think in the pursuit of liberation for all, I am willing to put the collective needs ahead of my own when and as it comes down to it.

What I am gonna do is explore ways that I can affirm myself in the body I currently have.

I’m learning how to embrace the multidimensionality of my gender expressions. Where I can still honor my more masculine features while also exploring how I want to express my femininity more fully.

I want to see how I can still be the expression of life that I am meant to be whether or not I get to transition fully. And if this resonates with you, I wish that for you too because no rule, law, or cis-tem can ever deny or censor the truth of our brilliant radiant and mother tucking beautiful ass selves.

Our ancestral magic and collective power run deep into dimensions beyond our current comprehension.

Welp, that’s all for now.

Till next time,

Willa

⚔️🪩⚔️

Community Support

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1. Typhoon relief efforts organized by Balikbayan Collective

2. Fundraiser to support Youssef and his family evacuate Gaza

3. Support community efforts of the Oakland LGBTQ Center

4. Support verified Sudanese campaigns at Sudan Funds

5. Support the organizing efforts of Focus Congo

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