When It's All Over
I hope love brought you home to your truth.
Opening
Sharing words to honor this transition surfacing within me. I feel like I’m flowing out of a rip tide of depression, doubt, and discouragement that swept over my body the past few months. The type of current that infiltrated me so subtly I didn’t realize or recognize I was going under until I experienced what felt like a visceral death of layers of myself. A shedding of deeply held stories that were overdue for release.
It’s definitely not my first time at the depresso rodeo. However, what I found fascinating about this particular episode was how this feeling of “death” happened on the first day of the Wood Snake year. It was as though life was giving me an example of the energy the year will bring and the opportunities that will allow us to shed.
Ecdysis /ĕk′dĭ-sĭs/ noun: the shedding of an outer layer of skin, as by insects, crustaceans, and snakes. For snakes, this molting process allows for further growth and to remove parasites that may have attached to their old skin.
Ebbs of Glory
High-functioning depression is what I've come to know these spiraling episodes to be. On the outside, I appear as if everything is fine, but internally, I’m over-complicating, producing, thinking, and feeling to the point where I lose track of what I was initially doing. Although online sources say it’s not an officially recognized clinical diagnosis, it is often associated with persistent depressive disorder (PDD), also known as dysthymia.1 2
When I realized I was depressed, the next step was to name it: to acknowledge and connect what I was feeling to its root—the source of its activation. Naming my feelings is a method that prior therapy sessions taught me to practice, but somehow I forgot about this tool. It wasn’t until my current therapist asked me to name what I was feeling that I began to remember.
As I named my feelings, I would also try to resolve them at the same time.
My mind started spinning in roundabouts, creating sideshows in my brain to the point where I thought I was about to combust and glitch into a puddle of pixels. Every time I named a feeling, I would endlessly compute the detours and what-ifs that popped up in my imagination, jumping from one tangent to the next. All the while, my therapist, on the other side of the screen, was observing me battle it out with myself.
The dust began to settle as our session came to a close. Interestingly, once our call ended, I realized how much fear I had been holding onto—fear that I hadn’t been able to express because I didn’t realize I was scared.
Fear in the Derriere
Clarity often finds us when we least expect it. For me, there’s a pattern I’ve begun to recognize, one that creates the conditions for ease and flow to materialize. Typically, when I set out the intentions of what I want to process and heal from, and then let it all go, answers and pathways begin to reveal and open up.
With my recent episode of depressia, I was able to start naming what was causing me to sink into despair after my therapy session.
That night, we held a communal dinner for the household, where we shared stories about the state of our inner worlds. Through our vulnerability and openness, my mind was able to contextualize what my body had been feeling—that the fear of failure has been inciting me to constantly battle myself in my head. Having that piece of understanding has been a boost of energetic medicine, helping to release me from old stories and freeing my energy from my head to my bootyhole.
Although I know there’s still more to release, in this moment, I’m grateful to have some semblance of peace.
Channeling
As much fear as I’ve been accumulating, and now releasing, I’ve also been feeling the rage and grief of this shared reality of ours. The gradual and drastic illusions, delusions, and surface-level solutions have been destabilizing the layers of our lives for quite some time now. Tending to our personal and communal gardens is such an integral part of how we can remain grounded in our humanity. The very source of connection that reminds us of our inherent interconnectedness.
I’ve shared this graphic before (shown below), and it’s a reflective prompt that I continue to sit with and integrate.
To embody how we define and refine our unique rhythm within the harmony of creation and destruction requires a deep understanding of ourselves and the world around us. It involves embracing the interplay between opposing forces and finding a balance that works for us, allowing us to create and grow in a way that is authentic and meaningful.
Trust is a core principle that many advocates, activists, revolutionaries, and visionary beings teach us. I believe it’s through our integrity and shared understanding that we begin to build trust among each other, and this is how I am choosing to be in relationship with the people in my life. To me, a community rooted in trust has the potential to build, expand, and sustain lasting liberation.
Impermanence
Impermanence has been that girl. She’s glorious, studious, and her presence is always present. She shows up in the moments you wish could last forever and during the times you want it all to be over. She’s one of the greatest teachers of the art of letting go. A constant friend, a trusted confidant, and a consistent gift of wisdom that only she can give.
As I’ve grown more into the human I am today, I can now appreciate the teachings she has consistently offered me. It’s through impermanence that I build agency over my life. It’s through impermanence that I see the importance of trusting myself enough to know when it’s time to let go. It’s through impermanence that I understand the magic, beauty, and power of materializing the visions and dreams shown to me.
When my time on earth is over, may I always remember how love guided me home; how it surrounded and fulfilled my existence; and that no matter how much fear and hardship they tried to control me with, it was love that led me back to the magic and power of my truth.
Dear Past, Present, and Future Selves
I hope you feel how held you are as you journey with grace at a gradual pace that is supportive and nourishing to your well-being.
I hope you create room to receive the aligned re-sources flowing your way that will unconditionally meet the needs of you and your loved ones.
I hope you strengthen your discernment to know where your energy is best needed in this moment and in the moments to come.
I hope you continue to expand your capacity to hold multiple truths, to rest and release, to reset and be present, while loving yourself through it all.
I hope you feel how powerful it is when you allow yourself to be your most honest and vulnerable self with the people you choose and who choose you.
I hope you continue to ground in your rituals that activate the wisdom and softness of your life force and innate power.
I hope you are in relationships with beings who are down to cultivate practices of accountability, honesty, and integrity.
I hope you continue to deepen your bonds and build trust with your guides and intuition that further root you into the truths of who you are.
And I hope wherever you are and however you are feeling, that energies of safety, protection, courage and care make its way to your nervous system.
Love,
The Universe
Closing
When I turned 39 last fall, my words for the year was “pour into spirit.” I wanted to see what could happen when I poured into my artistry and creativity for myself after decades of doing so for others.
As such, I’ve been working on a project that I’ll be releasing soon. Vol. 9 of the Fund•A•Mental collection will make it's debut along with an official website and online shop.
I’ll share more updates via Substack.
As always, receive what resonates and let go of what doesn’t.
Till next time,
Willa
🌺🧧🌺
Here is a preview of the website. I hope y’all dig it.
Special Shoutoutzzz
Blessed solar return to these beautiful Pisces beings I’m blessed to know in this timeline and dimension. Check out their Substacks to get to know them.
Nico Ruta: Is an Artist and Loverboy. Writing about the body, land, the erotic, queerness, relationships, spirituality, ancestral healing, and what inspires them.
Jen Pen: Is a multidisciplinary designer, history nerd, mental health advocate and a huge dog lover.
Flo: Is neurospicy af, writing about self-discovery thru rest + joy, sharing rituals-4-life. An revolutionary ancestor showing us how to be ourselves.
Irwin: Is a cat dad, traveler, lifestyler, and marketer. but above all this, Irwin is a dear friend who expands the worlds of everyone they meet.
Sidenote: I love the moments when everything feels aligned. I looked at the time and saw all the ones on display.
Needed this read at 4:23am after a difficult time being in my body.
Appreciate the groundedness i feel from resonating with you and ur words
your warmth radiates through your words. i'm so glad i found this writing.